dirtypotatoesUK's Movie Ratings - Rotten Tomatoes

Movie Ratings and Reviews

Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father

Sugar sweet and toe curlingly cringey. We learn that Andrew was a lovely lovely man and we learn about Shirley his killer, absolutely nothing.

The Master
The Master(2012)

Well acted and beautiful to look at but DULL as ditch water.

The Hangover
The Hangover(2009)
½

Is it me but why are all new comedy about men who are arseholes, all the women are nags or whores and in this movie both.
Here we have four goons going to Las Vegas on a stag night so they can whore it up and all with the approval of the soon to be father in law.

1.The Groom, the man we don't see for 3/4 of the movie.
2.The best man, a teacher who steals money from his pupils.
3.The friend who's scared of his girlfriend and pulls out his own teeth out to impress his so called mates.
4.The brother in law, a paedophile with a personality disorder.

No need to talk about the women because all characterizations were written on the back of a match box.

If you find four grown men who have NO respect for anyone or anything, funny. Knock yourself out and rent this DVD.

There Will Be Blood

There is a great story to see here but if you ever wondered have long it would take to kill yourself be slashing your wrists just watch "There Will Be Blood".

Kick-Ass
Kick-Ass(2010)

You have be a Comic Nerd and Super Hero fan to really enjoy this movie because of all it's nuances and in jokes. I just sat there thinking that Nicolas Cage is over acting again and that little girl is going to a mass murderer before she gets to 12. I'm not really the best person to review this movie because I think that 8 out of 10 superhero film are over rated and this one falls into that bracket.

I Think We're Alone Now

This sad tale of two deluded misfits just drags on to long. Most of the time your laughing at them instead of understanding them. Used and exploited are the words that come to mind.

The Haunting in Connecticut
½

Nothing special here, seen it all before. A rehash of the Amityville Horror

Heidi Fleiss: Hollywood Madam

What a bunch of crooks, the only one that come out looking half decent is Heidi herself.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
½

This tuneless wonder disguised as a musical reminds me of one of Mrs. Lovett pies, beautiful to look at but once you bite through the flake crust you find it's a bit bland and in need of a hell of a lot of spicing up.
Everyone sings in the fake cockney accent that would make Dick Van Dyke proud.
You have to listen to 50 minutes of mockney singing before the you hear the first sound of a blade cutting through flesh and by the second death 20 minutes later your ready to slit your own throat just for the fun of it.
Jonny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter look great in a Marilyn Manson sort of a way and are the only bright sparks in the whole thing and they do shine bright.
Overall its a mad cow disease of a movie.

Bakjwi (Thirst)

This weird Vampire love story with it's black comedy and stark images was good but it just failed to engage with me.By the end I didn't care who lived or died. It needed to be a bit more fun, a bit more scary and at least 20 minutes shorter.

Let the Right One In
½

Was a bit slow but don't let that put you off. This is a very dark strange love story.

Day of the Dead
½

Move on Ladies and Gentlemen, move on. Nothing new to see here!!!
Just watched it on late night telly and if there's nothing to watch on QVC this is the movie for you.

Dante's Inferno
½

This is a great story about heaven and hell,betrayal and redemption. Its visually stunning with outstanding voice overs as Dante travels through the nine circles of Hell, limbo, lust, gluttony, greed, anger, heresy, violence, fraud and treachery. If I was to criticize, it does lose it way briefly in the second half and because it has so many directors the animation style does change a number of times. Overall its a rollercoaster ride to the center of HELL.

Essex Boys
Essex Boys(2000)

Shame they didn't stick to the real life story told in the book of the same name as it's would have been a more interesting story than this cock and bull story about London gangsters. Long winded and just didn't seem to go anywhere, seemed to get lost and didn't know how get to back on track.

The Road
The Road(2009)

The best disturbing and depressing two hours you can spend. I loved it. Thank god it was dark so I couldn't be seen crying. Really makes you look at yourself as a human and what it means. It's a dark movie with almost no hope. I really enjoyed it. Enjoy is not the right word but it's a great movie.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

Hollywood tries a gay friendly movie and falls flat on it's face. A mainstream audience might love this dated comedy but it upsets the gay community.

The Man From Earth

This film seems like a badly written, badly acted TV show will that one day end up on PBS. To all the people out there who think that it's clever and insightful you need to get out more and read a book. Start with the GOD DELUSION. If someone told me they were 14,000 years old I'm sure as hell won't pull a gun on them.
Far to much navel gazing for my liking. If this movie was a book it would be called 'AN IDIOTS GUIDE TO HUMANITY, RELIGION AND HISTORY'

Hunger
Hunger(2008)

What did we learn about Bobby Sands, Nothing ! Sorry I'm wrong I learnt that he wanted to be a martyr, refused to wash and smeared the walls of his cells with excrement rather than negotiate. Why was he there? Did he plant a Bomb that killed women and children? Did he shoot anyone? Was he a gun runner? You just wouldn't know from this movie. It just wanted to show long lingering shots of sh@t. This film didn't want to explain the real Bobby Sands or the troubles in Northern Ireland.

Fish Tank
Fish Tank(2010)

Watching paint dry is more interesting that this film. I live not far from where this story takes place. I could have saved the price of the DVD rental and just looked out my bedroom window to watch the Chav's make everyones life a misery. I was brought up on a council estate and it shocks and upsets me how the working class have fell so low to become the under class. The only hope in the whole movie was her ambition to be a dancer, the only trouble is she can't dance and ends up looking like one of those sad deluded people you see on Britain's Got Talent. I just didn't feel sorry for her, it never clicked for me. This movie just rambles without direction and should have been more character driven.
I wasn't surprised to find out that the girl playing the Mia was 'discovered' in a train station fighting with her boyfriend. She wasn't acting, she was playing herself. Surprise Surprise, she is now a single mother. Life imitating art.
If I wanted to watch to kitchen sink drama I'll stick to Eastenders on the BBC. In general the BBC do this kind of drama with a lot more punch.

Cachorro
Cachorro(2004)

The BEST gay movie I've seen in a long time, Wish I hadn't left the DVD in the draw for so long. The BEST portrayal of bears in a movie EVER

Donnie Darko
Donnie Darko(2001)
½

This film is too schizophrenic for its own good. Is it art house ? Is it mainstream? Is it horror? Is it about schizophrenia? Is it the future? Is it a comedy? It's all these thing but fails on all counts. It's just to far up its own backside to see the day light.

Hellbent
Hellbent(2005)

This is a very run of the mill slasher movie and if it had been just a run of the mill straight slasher movie it wouldn't have lasted 10 minutes in my machine but after years of watching dreadful gay movies, this one ain't that bad. Great looking guys, that were likable and could act. Special effects on power with most slashers movies that go straight to DVD. It's no Halloween or Nightmare on Elm Street but it's fun. If only Dante's Cove was as good as this.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Much better than the Original

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie

I loved ever minute of this movie, Maggie Smith is outstanding. Miss Jean Brodie is deeply flawed with misplaced convictions but ultimated you feel sorry for her. If only I had teachers with half the passion of this lady.

"Little girls! I am in the business of putting old heads on young shoulders, and all my pupils are the creme de la creme. Give me a girl at an impressionable age and she is mine for life"

Knowing
Knowing(2009)

Nicolas Cage has the acting skills of a bedside cabinet and a bedside cabinet thats in the sale. The movie starts well with a story line that does draw you in. It looks fantastic with great CGI but in the last 45 minutes it starts to fall apart. Everything is threw into the pot, don't want to give to much away but the Garden of Eden is in there somewhere.

Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed

I have no idea who this guy is but he thinks his very funny, its a shame no one else does. He keeps going on for most of the film about free speech but conventional forgets to tell the audience that in some schools the teaching of evolution has been banned because it goes against the bible. Throughout the film he talks about intelligent design in other words 'GOD DID IT ALL' Not very scientific. Not once in the whole documentary does he explain what intelligent design is. Were my blood starts to boil is when this so calledl documentary concludes that The Theory of Evolution is to blame for fascism, communism, abortion and the Nazi Holocaust. To use images from concentration camps to prove that Darwin was wrong is Outrageous and down right sick.

27 Dresses
27 Dresses(2008)
½

This movie is not going to set the world a light, its your typical run of the mill romcom but perfect for a wet Sunday afternoon

Angels & Demons

An episode of Scooby-Doo makes more sense than this film, I should have known better, the book is even worse

Ghost Town
Ghost Town(2008)
½

It's Ebenezer Scrooge set in a romcom. I liked it more than I initially wanted to. I'm not a great fan of Ricky Gervais but his Grumpy middle aged Englishman act set against smiley shiney faced Americans worked really well.

Carry On Camping

Matron, take them away!, I know I shouldn't still be laughing after watching for 100th time but for me it's a slice of British comedy history.

Killer Nun (Suor Omicidi)

This ain't no Sound of Music. If you like your nuns on drugs, in high heels and stockings with a face full of make up, who looks like her might do the odd shift down at your local department store, while killing most of the patiences at your doctors office, this is the movie for you. The dubbing is so awful you wouldn't know if the acting was good or not but I can tell you there is no Oscar winning performances here. There is the odd soft core sex scene but don't get all excite yet, this was era before the Brazilian. I'm'giving this film 2/5 just for the nerve of making it and a good giggle at the less than special effects.

Fracture
Fracture(2007)
½

Long-winded and very slow.Dull as ditch water. Never seems go anywhere. Didn't really care about the two main characters. God it drags and drags. Just not worth watching just for Anthony Hopkins.

Brokeback Mountain

This is a beautifully slow sad movie. Disappointed that some people couldn't see past their bigotry. This film is a way more than just a movie about two cowboys shagging in a tent. Its about two men coming to terms with being gay in a very straight world and the pressures of conforming for family and friends. If this movie doesn't pull at your heart strings you don't have a heart. 5/5

Cloverfield
Cloverfield(2008)

Was looking forward to seeing this film but watching twenty-somethings for hours on end sorry 30 minutes talking about nothing started to grated on me. All I wanted was the monster to come along and kill them all there and then. I wasn't so lucky. There was some good ideas but it would be better suited to a 2 part TV show. When the action did start it was patchy and there wasn't enough shocks and surprises to keep it going. God help us when we get the sequel. 2/5

The Kite Runner

The best film I seen in 2008. Its a beautifully shot foreign language movie about friendship, betrayal and redemption. Normally I would prefer to be on my knees cleaning while inhales the fumes of a very large can of MR Muscle Oven Cleaner than watch a film about Afghanistan and the Taliban but this story will make you sad, makes you laugh, makes you cry. Ultimately will leave you on a high.

The Pursuit of Happyness

So this is the American dream. A whole nation has been told to believe this twaddle. For him the pursuit of happiness was the pursuit of money. Working for 6 months for no money as he drags his son from public toilet to homeless shelters for months on end. Living with alcoholics, drug users and down and outs. NO money for food does it ever end. At any point in the movie he could have got a job and feed and housed his under five but no !!! Endless running and running and for the happy ending he gets his pot of gold. Should have been called ' THE PURSUIT OF GREED'

Antichrist
Antichrist(2009)

Who would have known that Willem Defoe had such a big willy !!!. Having not read any reviews for this film I though I was get a Exorcist or a Omen type of horror Movie, how wrong could I be. This is a self indulgent arthouse movie made on video. It's about watching two adult drifting into madness after the death of their child. It's painfully slow with some very uncomfortable sex scenes, the violent is graphic but seems very real. Apart from the open scenes which are beautifully shot, the rest of movie is shakey and rough looking. You know your watching a film thats been made on video. The actors do really well with what there given but this story says more about the writer and director than any thing. Very Disturbing I'm being kind by giving 2/5

Dorian Gray
Dorian Gray(2009)
½

Apart from Colin Frith beard having a life of it's own (I was half expecting for it to jump of his face and do a whole song and dance routine) , I really enjoyed Dorian Gray. As I've never read the book I don't know if it follows the story that closely but this is a good old fashioned ripping yarn. It reminded me of the old Hammer Horrors. Always been a real sucker for tight britches and heaving bosoms.

Ghost Writer (Suffering Man's Charity)

Alan Cumming plays a "BITTER OLD QUEEN" no sorry a gay music teacher in this sad little vanity project. Alan not only over acts but also directs this made for TV movie. To say that he has the acting skills of a pork pie is to give ham a bad name. This so called black comedy horror is neither funny or scary and during most of the 90 minutes the camera never leaves Mr Cummings face. If the poorly written lines were funny when delivered I would have cut Alan some slack. One of the only highlights in the whole film is seeing David Boreanaz (Angel) half naked,unfortunately he's wearing a set of filly knickers and bra, wrapped in Christmas lights ( what ever floats your boat). If you blink you will also certainly miss Carrie Fisher, Anne Heche and Karen Black which is a waste . 1/5

Spice World
Spice World(1998)

Camp Heaven. You have to be a Spice Girls fans to love this Film. Made in the spirit of the Beatles movies. Cheap and cheerful. 3/5

Zombie Strippers
½

It does exactly what it says on the tin. The girls are Strippers and there Zombies all at the same time. If your thinking that these girls are going to all black roots and green eyes shade, you'd be wrong. Great looking strippers that turn into your everyday common garden Zombie.
Its a shame the special effects weren't up to the same standard of all the girls boob jobs.
ROBERT ENGLUND can't act and all the girls show him up in that department. There is no story to speak off so it makes this a big boobed excuse of a movie. 1.5/5

Agnes Browne
Agnes Browne(1999)
½

Reminds me of my youth in Ireland in the late 60's early 70's. I was only a child but do remember the crack, awful housing and the fight for money. This film captures this really well. Perfect for a girly Sunday afternoon with a glass of wine

The Princess and the Frog

I WANT TO BE A PRINCESS !!. Well maybe not but it's nice to see a good old fashioned animation movie on the big screen. A tale of good and evil, light and dark with the happy ever after at the end. Sometimes we just want to be kids again and watching this will do the trick. Not sure if this is going to be a Disney Classic because all the song are forgettable and some of the characters have no depth but only time will tell.

Pineapple Express

This film is at bit like arriving late at a party and everyone is off their faces, joking around, having a great time. You just don't get it, hating every minute of it and just wanting to leave . If you want to see two stoned goons for 90 mins selling drugs to school children (I'm not Joking) this is the movie for you. 2/5

Confessions of a Shopaholic

All the women I know are clever, shop at Primark, work hard and look fabulous. After watching Confessions of a Shopaholic all the women shop at Prada, wouldn't know how to hold a pencil and look like over dressed dogs dinners. The heroine here is as mad as a box of brooms, is an over dressed stuffed poodle who can't count and ends up in her dream job.
The last time I looked you needed to know more than just being able to print your name in crayon to get a job as a journalist.
This film falls far short of the quality set by recent girlie movies.

2/5

The Omen
The Omen(2006)

This a is a sad imitation of the original. Why bother with this when the 1976 version is so good, you can watch Gregory Peck,Lee Remick and the excellent Billie Whitelaw. The production quality was really bad, if your going to pretend that the story is set in London make sure you don't show foreign shop fronts and bill boards. If only this version had just gone straight to DVD. 2/5

Avatar
Avatar(2009)
½

This might not be the best movie I've ever seen but its a great one all the same. I loved the story and forgot all about the CGI and seen the planet and aliens as real living things. I watched this in 3D IMAX and it looks stunning. Must be seen in the cinema !! If I had to say anything bad it would have been the length of the film, could have been trimmed by 15-20 mins. My bum was killing me and I needed a Wee. 4/5

American Swing

This is not a hard hitting documentary about the swinging scene in the 70's. It's looking back through rose tinted glasses.There lots of slightly over weight guys with handle bar mustaches and ladies with faces like chewed toffees. You don't really see any action and some of the talking heads seemed a bit prudish and embarrassed . One funny story about crabs and not one mention about Gonorrhea , Syphilis and unwanted pregnancies. I'm not moralizing here because I have lived a life but if your going to tell a story tell it warts and all (no pun intended)

Food, Inc.
Food, Inc.(2009)

If this film doesn't make you stop and think about what you put in your mouth, you need your head examined as well as your stomach. We have all seen things about how badly animals are treated on farms but this goes beyond that and talks about the workers, Genetically modified foods, the people who make the law and the people who make the money from the changes in the Law. I'm not going to get all Heather Mills on you but we need to start buying the best food we can afford . 4/5

The History Boys

There is a story here to be told but this movie upset me as I didn't like or understood the mixed messages this film was trying to convey. Pedophilia is not a light hearted matter. 2/5

Mimic
Mimic(1997)
½

Bubblegum Horror, I loved it. Sit back and enjoy the Cheese. 7/10

The Corporation
½

This film is bloated and does point it's finger at to many people but its a story thats needs to be told and big Corporations need to be questioned and held to account for their actions. This film will make you think. 7/10

The Evil Dead

I watched this as a spotty teenage on a pirate VHS in the early 80's because it was banned in the UK for being a Video Nasty. Loved every minute of it. Who would have through that trees could fancy the ladies so much. As I always say "Get your coat you've pulled" 4/5

Deadly Little Christmas

I can honestly say this is the worse movie I've ever seen. Someone somewhere must have got a cheap camcorder for Christmas and they just run a muck with family and friends. Everyone in this deadly boring film most have gone to the Pee-wee Herman school of speech and drama because the Tomato Ketchup bottle were most of the blood came from had more acting ability. This movie is so bad it wouldn't even be shown on a late night unknown satalite channel. 0/5

The Passion of the Christ

Before I start I have to say I'm an Aggressive Atheist and if anyone out that doesn't know what that means, Goggle it. I really liked this movie, it was hard hitting, gritty, beautifully shot and tells the story of Jesus's death in a deeply dark medieval way. This is not the Disney version of the Bible but a version that gloats on the pain and suffering of Jesus. This is a Christian form of torture porn that you see in the likes of SAW and HOSTEL. I was repulsed in the whipping scene but I can imagine that some religious types will be ringing their holier than thou hands in glee because of the anti-Semitic bloody message

The House Bunny

It's as if the Women's Liberation Movement never happened. Instead of burning my bra (if I had one) I should have burned this DVD within the first 5 minutes. Unfortunately I didn't. If you like your women blonde and as dumb as a post I'm sure you'll be rolling about on the floor splitting your sides with laughter while watch this. Sadly I need more that a girl who gets her tits out for the boys and who can turns a bunch of plain looking female misfits into a gaggle of giggling drag queens

Saw IV
Saw IV(2007)

I won't watch this film in the dark by myself again unless I have a sick bucket close at hand. Same old, Same old.

The Young Victoria

It looks stunning and well acted but it was so dull. I also lost faith in this film once I found out that Prince Albert never took a bullet to save the Queen. I have a problem with movies changing history for the sake of the story because the movie becomes the history and not the facts. 6/10

Fallen Angel
Fallen Angel(2003)

Its like almost every TV movie you have ever seen,BLOODY AWFUL. All the way through the film I was wondering how a boy with brown hair and brown eyes grew up in be a man with ginger hair and green eyes. To buy at your local Dollar Store now. 1/5

The Uninvited
½

It's getting a bit tiresome now watching remade Asia Horror that has no style or ambition. This is your common a garden thriller and for the Asia twist there is a a few contorted bodies with long hair standing in the corner. I wish it had a Irish twist and have Jerry Adams and Ian Paisley throwing potatoes at each other in the corner. A lot more fun. I'm no genius but I worked out the storyline half way through. On the plus side the house they used had lovely wallpaper. 5/10

The Break-Up
The Break-Up(2006)
½

One of the few romcom/chick flicks that doesn't treat the audience like idiots. Jennifer Aniston character isn't some dumb blonde and Vince Vaughn character doesn't fart at every opportunity. It's a breath of fresh air not to be shown another blue collar guy acting like a total baboon. Watching this couples relationship unraveling is a bitter sweet tale so don't be expecting slapstick. 7/10

Alice in Wonderland

Colourfully mad and truly magical. Just got back from watching this in IMAX 3D. I wasn't looking forward to this film because of the mixed reviews but I
was won over with the story and loony characters. It was fun and the
Queen of Hearts steals the show.
I would have given the movie a higher rating had they paid a bit more attention to detail with Alice. The young Alice looked more like Jon Benét Ramsey with full makeup and big hair and the older Alice looked grey with dark rings around her eyes. Looking more like an Eastern European hooker than an innocent 19 year old girl. I really wonder if Hollywood know what a English Rose looks like.

Overall it was a good 8/10

Mum & Dad
Mum & Dad(2008)
½

MUM & DAD : Richard and Judy meets The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. This very low budget British movie kept me on the edge of my seat all the way through. Makes Fred and Rose West look like Terry and June. So if you are ever befriended by a cockney sparrow working as a toilet cleaner who wants you to come around for a spot of Tea, politely refuse!!! 7/10

The Unborn
The Unborn(2009)
½

This is the Jewish Exorcist written for the under 16's . This movie starts well but goes downhill fast. Someone loses a glove and the heroine's eyes start
changing colour. At this point I'm hiding behind the sofa (laughing). A
few bad dreams and the usual bathroom cabinet with the mirror trick
doesn't make a horror movie.
There's a really old lady wearing a Kabbalah Bracelet (I think it could have been Madonna) being chased around a retirement home in the dark. And for a really good laugh a rabbi, a priest and a man with a video camera all stand in front of a wind machine making fools of themselves.

I think for all concerned it would be wise to leave The Unborn undisturbed gathering dust in the shop. 3/10